Be Calm

I've always taken a great deal of pride in my ability to calm people who are angry or upset. But every now and then, I fail. Friday was one of those times.

The buyer's agent called me and asked if Mark could call the seller. Apparently there were some issues with the electrical. It happens. Usually it's just a switch that needs to be flipped or a GFCI that tripped. Before I could text the details to Mark, the phone started ringing. It was the same number that I was about to text to him.

"I was just sending him your number so he can call you."
"Do you have any idea what the problem is?"
"I'm told it's something with the electrical..."
"My pool no longer works, my patio lights don't work, my alarm is making a whining noise and the trouble light is on..."
"We weren't given any information about your alarm codes..."
"Don't you argue with me! EVERYTHING in my house is broken! I have been violated! That inspector needs to get back over here RIGHT NOW and fix everything that he broke."
"Ma'am, I will have him phone you as soon as possible. Thank you." And with that I hung up. You can't speak rationally to someone who is convinced that everything in her house is broken because her patio light doesn't come on.

I phoned Mark to let him know he might be walking into a hornet's nest when he phoned her. His one question to me was "Was she rude to you?" At this point I didn't relate the conversation to him. He doesn't tolerate people being rude to me. He would have refused to call her at all. So I just told him that she was very upset and that she felt violated and that I'd been unable to calm her down.

So he phoned her and in his very best Queen's English asked her how he might help. He let her know that he understood how difficult it is to sell a house - strangers coming through it, an inspector poking around. Very invasive. He also explained to her that sometimes after a GFCI switch has been tested, it trips and then he stayed on the phone with her and walked her through resetting the switches. Of course, the alarm was something he couldn't help her with. He doesn't touch them, except to disarm or rearm them when we receive instructions to do so. But the buyers had asked him a question about the alarm system and when he told them he didn't know, they started pushing the buttons. All he could tell the seller was that he understood how she felt, but that he was there to inspect the house, not babysit the buyers. If he were to follow them around keeping them out of things, he'd never get the inspection done. She was happy that the electrical was all working again and although she was still unhappy about the alarm it was no longer directed at him. That's when she told him she'd been a bit rude to me. He assured her that it would be fine, but later that day, she called to apologize for being unpleasant. No problem! I'm just glad I hadn't been unpleasant in return.

The Importance of Granite Countertops

When Mark threw his back out I had to reschedule a couple of days worth of appointments. But you can only delay them so long because the option period clock is ticking, which means that I had to step up and help out. I became the designated driver. Since I can't actually do anything on the inspection other than carry stuff in and out, I had plenty of free time to look around a vacant house.

An investor is buying it. Another investor is selling it. It's small - two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room, a dining room, a small kitchen and a room at the back with an undefined function. Even though it was built in the 1930s, it has a reasonably usable layout. It would make a decent lake cottage, except there's no lake anywhere close.

The selling investor has "rehabbed" the property. It's been painted inside and out. All the interior walls have been painted a dark taupe and all of the woodwork has been painted white. Some of the painted walls are paneled while others are plain sheetrock that has been stapled and painted. (Taping and bedding was apparently too much effort.) The woodwork consists primarily of rough-hewn 1 x 4s. There is brand new carpet in the living room, bedrooms, and two thirds of the back room. There is also brand new wood-plank-look vinyl in the dining room, bathroom, kitchen and one third of the back room. I don't know how long the vinyl will last because it buckles in the dining room when you walk on it. I think it's because the floor isn't level - you can tell by walking on it.

The water heater looks ancient and there's a hole inside the cabinet under the kitchen sink. There was a light on in the back room that did not seem to have a control switch. The toilet and sink in the bathroom look brand new and the tub looks relatively new. I would have expected one of those vinyl tub enclosures, but this was all ceramic tile. Some of the ceilings are sheetrock and others have been covered with acoustical tiles which have been painted taupe along with the room. There's a washer hookup in the backroom where the vinyl flooring is, but the dryer vent is located where one would need to have the dryer in the carpeted part of the room. A bit odd. I think the technical term is functional obsolescence.

The kitchen cabinets are probably original. The cabinet doors are painted plywood. The door pulls had escaped being painted, but not the hinges. Many of the doors no longer close and many of them no longer align with the adjacent doors.

There is no heating or air conditioning in this house. But it has granite counter tops in the bathroom and kitchen. Are granite counter tops really more important to buyers and tenants than heating and air conditioning? This is why I personally don't invest in real estate - I clearly have no understanding of the market.

Putting Lipstick on a Pig

Sorry, but I just can't get excited about the prospects of a high volume - low budget client. I can see why this might excite some realtors, but as a home inspection company, it really doesn't have much appeal. While the realtor is going to get a steady flow of commission, we're being asked to do more work for less money. We're being asked not to charge for items that most buyers pay a premium for and the "upside" is that there will be more.

Imagine that your boss calls you into his or her office and says, "You've done such a fabulous job for us. So good, in fact that we're going to cut your pay by 10% on this project. This is such a wonderful opportunity because there will be five more similar projects over the next month and we'll cut your pay on all of them! Pretty cool, huh?"

Pretty cool, indeed. Here's the deal. If you're sending us your premium clients, we'll do our best to help you out with your cheapskates. But don't expect us to get excited because some flipper who wants to put lipstick on a pig didn't budget enough for due diligence.